Read time: 8 minutes

We are a social species and relationships are part of our survival. They directly affect our biochemistry and our physiology. When we socially interact with others on a regular basis our amygdala grows; we are part of the group, and we feel as if we belong. One of the most horrifying side effects of the COVID lockdowns was the inability to interact and touch other people, to smell them, to look into somebody's eyes and see an emotional connection. It is also true the kiss of a loved one when you are feeling unwell, or worse, can give as much pain relief as many hospital drugs. At our very deepest level this is what we need, the emotional and physical connection with another fellow human. It is therefore obvious, that the most intimate relationships have dramatic impacts on our biochemistry, well-being and feelings, because we belong to the human community.

Arguably of all relationships, intimate relationships are the ones that impact us the most. It is especially difficult if you are in a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder. And it can also be difficult if you're in a relationship with somebody and having relationship issues, where there are more ups and downs than normal, calmer relationships. Even ups and downs in ‘normal’ relationships can still hurt like hell.

So, when you're in the midst of these difficulties and it's impacting your biochemistry, your feeling of human connection, and belonging, and it feels as if everything is going wrong, then how do you navigate these stormy waters?

In the first instance, get advice and step outside of yourself. This advice may come from various sources such as a spiritual counsellor like a priest, or perhaps a wise and trusted friend who has good life experience and a common-sense head on their shoulders, or a close family member. But sometimes you can't access any of these. 

I once had two family members on whom I could rely for good life advice and counsel: my gentle and forgiving father, who always saw the best in people; and my funny and witty grandmother who had excellent life experience. Unfortunately, I can no longer access these people anymore. I do however have access to a wonderful group of friends, and I'm reminded that we make our own communities and we need to surround ourselves by loving, positive and supportive people, who will help us navigate the choppy waters of difficult relationship interactions and life in general.

Sometimes there's something more. And I believe it's called hope. I have experienced this personally, despite losing two wise counsellors. I believe you are never alone, and that those who love you never leave you. I can tell you that this is true because in my darkest moments, I have had reminders that I am loved, that I am cared for and to remind me to hope.

When I was in the midst of shutting myself off from a horrifically abusive ex-partner (we were being stalked, and harassed, he tried to break into my home, and we were under police protection), I suddenly started finding little white feathers everywhere. Everywhere I looked, everywhere I walked, in my son’s hair and stuck to my clothes. It was bewildering. I couldn't understand where all these little feathers were coming from. I put a pot on the mantlepiece (it is still there) and started filling it up with little white feathers, I then started a second pot. Initially, I thought that these feathers were telling me that I was a coward, I wasn't facing up to my relationship issues, that I was balling into myself and feeling like a victim, and I should stop feeling sorry for myself, pull up my chin, and carry on. But I was completely wrong. This wasn't the meaning at all.

When I took time to research the meaning, I found that white feathers can be seen as a symbol of protection from those who love you. Whether it's from people who have passed on (my granny and my father) or (if you believe in angels) your guardian angel; the entity who will unconditionally love you forever and never leave your side. I was humbled and I was reminded that although sometimes on this earthly plane, I couldn't access the wise advice and support of the people I needed most, when I was going through difficult times, they reminded me that no matter how hard things were, they were still at my side even though I couldn't see them.

I've had to make some brave choices for myself and my son to keep us safe and to move forward. I have a plan, but it is not certain, nothing in life is certain. I've learnt that in a moment everything can be taken from you except your integrity and your skills. So, as I take the next step in my journey, I carry a lot of hope that everything I do will work out for the best. And the most extraordinary thing has happened since. Everywhere I look I see rainbows.

As children, we have pictures of rainbows in our storybooks as if it's a common thing to have arcs of colour beaming across the sky. But when you stop to think about it, it's a beautiful, bizarre and profound (and scientifically well-understood) phenomenon. Religiously, the rainbow was sent to remind us that never again would God send a flood of water to wipe clean the face of the earth. I suspect that we're doing our own good job of flooding the earth right now, and we don't need God's intervention, but that's a thought for another day. When I look at the rainbows that seemed to be popping up all around me, I’m reminded of hope. I was reminded of a brighter future and good things to come. I don't know if it is the angels sending the rainbows to me, but I'm reaching out with both arms and I'm hanging on with hope for a brighter future to enter our lives. I remember that when we go through difficult times, particularly in our most intimate relationships, that sometimes we just need to step out of ourselves, connect with the community around us, and remember that those that love us never really leave us and are always watching over us, and that we always have hope for a brighter future.

HL x

From the book: Thirty Relationship Conversations by Harriet Loveday. 

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© Harriet Loveday Romance 2024